The small details are what make the difference in any order of life. However, they take on special relevance in a couple relationship since they are what nurture the continuity of affection and daily care. It is not love that sustains a relationship, but it is the way of relating that sustains love.
But what are these little details? Of course, even if they are small, they can become very large. And we can definitely find true love in them.
Love is in the small great details
Love is in small details that are cultivated day by day. Among them, hugging, kissing, protecting, supporting, taking care of each other. Sleeping together, watching movies, walking hand in hand. In the unexpected “I love you” and furtive kisses. In those “unimportant” things.
Without all this love would not be love, and we could not live this way. The reason why this is so is not relevant because love does not need to be understood, it needs to be demonstrated, every day and every moment.
It is those sparks that keep the flame alive, but not that of passion, but that of the greatness of love. We can live it in a much simpler way, without complicating ourselves.
Love is there, in the little details
True love is not known for what it demands, but for what it offers. Wanting and loving are not synonymous with submission or dependency, but with freedom and enjoyment.
In any case, it is important that we are not confused with the terms that are used today. The ideal is not detachment, but healthy attachment. That is, secure attachment as an affective inclination free of insecurities and demands to which we have to aspire. However, detaching ourselves means detaching ourselves, not wanting, or preferring, which is not at all desirable.
On the other hand, we have to get rid of super-romantic ideas, those from classic stories or Hollywood movies.
We have absorbed that the principles of a desirable relationship are based on hyperagency. But, that’s just a source of unrealistic emotional dependencies, demands, and expectations. True love is not that which is perfect, but that which is constituted with sincerity, trust and respect.
What do long-term partners have in common?
Ideal love is just a mental construction to which we attribute characteristics that we assume we would like to live with. But the reality is different. There is no magic formula for creating a healthy and lasting relationship.
However, the American psychological and medical John Gottman highlighted five fundamental pillars shared by couples who best sustain their love.
1. Love is in the little details: admiration
Stable and lasting couples are able to positively value what defines the other member. It does not consist in candidly expressing the qualities of the other, but in showing good regard.
2. Forming a team
The important thing is to perceive the relationship as “us” instead of “you on the one hand and me on the other. ” This is carried to the last consequences. That is, the two members of the couple are responsible for what happens in it.
3. Deep knowledge of the other and of the relationship
Successful couples can express what arouses interest in their partners and what does not. In addition, they express themselves openly and without fear.
4. Learning from difficulties
Long-lasting couples speak of having overcome their difficulties by cooperating and working together, so they express themselves in a positive way.
These couples are aware that there are difficulties that can be overcome and others that cannot. Therefore, they have agreed to live with it. In fact, being different seems to them an advantage rather than a disadvantage.
We do not have to look for a perfect love, but a true, simple and satisfying love. Having a good relationship does not mean not arguing, but resolving differences and living with those that cannot be solved.
If you consider that it is difficult for you to manage any aspect of your relationship and you think you need help to work on it, do not hesitate to consult a psychologist. The professional will be able to offer you the guidance you need as well as the opportunity to start a couples therapy that helps you improve and preserve your relationship.